Opening To All Of Life

One thing I forget from time to time is that the very fact of existence is a miracle. It is fairly easy to get caught up in the details of day-to-day existence and lose sight of just how peculiar life is from a phenomenological perspective. Kurt Vonnegut captured this well:

"To the as-yet unborn, to all innocent wisps of undifferentiated nothingness: Watch out for life.

I have caught life. I have come down with life. I was a wisp of undifferentiated nothingness, and then a little peephole opened quite suddenly. Light and sound poured in. Voices began to describe me and my surroundings. Nothing they said could be appealed. They said I was a boy named Christopher Webster, and that was that. They said the year was 1968, and that was that. They said I was in Leeds, England, and that was that.

They never shut up. Year after year they piled detail upon detail. They do it still. You know what they say now? They say the year is 1982, and that I am fifty years old.

Blah blah blah."

- Kurt Vonnegut, Deadeye Dick

In the midst of attending to needs and desires it becomes convenient to focus attention on whatever seems most expedient, while learning to disregard or avoid everything else. Consequently, the size of the sphere of experience tends to diminish with age. Every time we say, "I'll never do that again" we diminish our ability to experience. Ultimately this amounts to "painting ourselves into a corner" for the sake of what amount to fairly arbitrary priorities. After all, if we take a look, we may discover that we have abandoned large areas of valuable experience due to decisions made in youth, and that the areas bear re-examination.

Mind you, this is no mere intellectual exercise. I would tend to regard inquiry on the physical and emotional levels as some of the most valuable. One of my most valuable inquiries along these lines happened when I had bronchitis and got in touch with certain emotions I hadn't experienced since childhood. Effectively, I had put myself out of touch with many childhood memories under the guise of "growing up."

I remember that I used to frequently fly in my dreams. From time to time I would wet the bed simply because I dreamed I was getting up and going to the bathroom. Later I learned that such flying was imaginary. Nowadays, if I am lucky enough to have a flying dream, I generally require some prop such as a convenient helium balloon, and I always tend to drift downwards, subject to gravity. I point this out to show that the lack of freedom extends into the world of dreams.

To begin the process of re-examination requires three things:

1. That we allow ourselves to doubt everything that we accept as truth
2. That we learn to observe our experiences without judgment
3. That we learn not to surpress our experiences
   

The Inescapable Mess

In casual conversation with a roommate, we opened up the issue of tidiness as related to feelings of self-worth. This also brought to mind a conversation in several previous relationships.

Some folks like to "clear the decks" so they can work. I like to get to work.

My earliest recollection of this conversation was with an ex-girlfriend in my 20's who said "I deserve to have clean room." It struck me as odd, since I don't have cleanliness entwined with notions of being deserving.

This came up again, decades later when a mother was inquiring how her son could stand his messy room. After some discussion, it struck me that he also did not have cleanliness tied up with self-esteem. In fact he, like me, was so such of his mother's love that putting his personal space into order had no connection to how lovable or deserving he was.

I do have the notion of appropriate placement entwined with mindfulness, however. For me, it is an exercise in mindfulness to place my clothes in the hamper or laundry pile rather than giving myself future chores by simply casting my clothes onto the floor. By being mindful, I am saving myself eventual trouble. This being said, the question arises: Why would I do things any other way?

My answer is that when I find myself being less than fully mindful, (reflected as disorder in my personal space) generally I am avoiding some sort of discomfort in the present moment. This is just as true when I delay checking my bank balance because of feelings of dread as when I feel tired, tear my clothes off and fall into bed without brushing my teeth. Both are avoidances of present-time discomfort.

I have seen this principle work in reverse for others. I was once in a relationship where my sweetie's method of procrastination was to clean and do laundry. It was as if she could take refuge from the gnawing feeling of whatever she was procrastinating about by taking care of familiar tasks she associated with "being good."

It may also be where "clear the decks" comes in. When disorder in personal space creates subtle discomfort in the present moment, a person can lower their discomfort level by tidying up. I know some people who don't feel right unless the entire house is spotless, with empty wastebaskets and every bit of laundry done.

Taking a larger view, I wonder if such responses to discomfort amount to simply pushing the mess elsewhere. The trash goes to landfills. The wash water goes to the water table and may or may not undergo treatment. Cleaning products may possibly contain chemicals which wreak adverse effects on the environment.

Part of mindfulness is to be present in the expanded now, and the expanded now includes the big picture. In my opinion, integrity involves examining consequences rather than simply reacting to discomforts in the present moment.