The Inescapable Mess

In casual conversation with a roommate, we opened up the issue of tidiness as related to feelings of self-worth. This also brought to mind a conversation in several previous relationships.

Some folks like to "clear the decks" so they can work. I like to get to work.

My earliest recollection of this conversation was with an ex-girlfriend in my 20's who said "I deserve to have clean room." It struck me as odd, since I don't have cleanliness entwined with notions of being deserving.

This came up again, decades later when a mother was inquiring how her son could stand his messy room. After some discussion, it struck me that he also did not have cleanliness tied up with self-esteem. In fact he, like me, was so such of his mother's love that putting his personal space into order had no connection to how lovable or deserving he was.

I do have the notion of appropriate placement entwined with mindfulness, however. For me, it is an exercise in mindfulness to place my clothes in the hamper or laundry pile rather than giving myself future chores by simply casting my clothes onto the floor. By being mindful, I am saving myself eventual trouble. This being said, the question arises: Why would I do things any other way?

My answer is that when I find myself being less than fully mindful, (reflected as disorder in my personal space) generally I am avoiding some sort of discomfort in the present moment. This is just as true when I delay checking my bank balance because of feelings of dread as when I feel tired, tear my clothes off and fall into bed without brushing my teeth. Both are avoidances of present-time discomfort.

I have seen this principle work in reverse for others. I was once in a relationship where my sweetie's method of procrastination was to clean and do laundry. It was as if she could take refuge from the gnawing feeling of whatever she was procrastinating about by taking care of familiar tasks she associated with "being good."

It may also be where "clear the decks" comes in. When disorder in personal space creates subtle discomfort in the present moment, a person can lower their discomfort level by tidying up. I know some people who don't feel right unless the entire house is spotless, with empty wastebaskets and every bit of laundry done.

Taking a larger view, I wonder if such responses to discomfort amount to simply pushing the mess elsewhere. The trash goes to landfills. The wash water goes to the water table and may or may not undergo treatment. Cleaning products may possibly contain chemicals which wreak adverse effects on the environment.

Part of mindfulness is to be present in the expanded now, and the expanded now includes the big picture. In my opinion, integrity involves examining consequences rather than simply reacting to discomforts in the present moment.